April 1, 2016

I forgot April fools day was a thing, and I liked that.  

The last thing I wrote felt a little contrived. I didn't mean it to be and I'm not entirely sure I fully understand the meaning of the word, but that was my reaction.  I think because I'm weary. I've struggled with the existential purpose to my life since high school. I'm not sure I'm any closer to an answer I'm satisfied with, but I'm weary of searching. I want to go back and try something, anything, even some things I've tried before that I know to not be satisfying. I just want some semblance of a purpose.  

I don't remember what we were talking about but Sam and I were talking after the last thing I wrote and suddenly I came to the realization  that it might be possible to come to a conclusion and not like the purpose I saw before me. I think I'm a little afraid of that. Tonight we talked about a possibility. I know she hasn't been willing to tell me what to do, but I asked her for a recommendation. She echoed what I've heard for years, what I've wondered again lately, what I almost went to college for in the first place but for some reason didn't. She said art teacher, teacher of some sort at the very least. I'm not sure what scares me about that, or what scared me away from it years ago. I am ashamed that that might be a very meaningful answer for me. Ashamed that it was right in front of me years ago and I turned away, ashamed that I have spent SO much time searching and still come to no better conclusion, grander scheme or achieved much in the interim. I'm afraid that art teacher might not be the answer either though. What then? I certainly don't know. I think I'm a coward. But as I'm on another continent traveling around the world, the next step isn't enrolling in classes to finish my degree or pursuing a certificate to teach. The next step is to simply pray about it and seek counsel. That's an achievable next step.

Sam and I also began talking about location, that was cool. We have talked about St. Augustine, Florida in the past but tonight we both acknowledged that it is the first place we've encountered that we both really liked. It's all speculative and hypothetical, but that's where we're at.