Delusions of grandeur

April 10, 2016

One of my fears regarding my future is, am I not meant to do something more. I've been given a lot. I have more than I understand how to be responsible with. Money isn't what I'm talking about. I mean time and ability. I could devote my time and energy to many different things and because I don't have to for the sake of money, I have taken my time and tried to look at all the options. Too many options. I seem to be experiencing a new kind of paralysis, that of indecision. What if I pick something and decide I hate it? Was the time and money and effort put forth to that end wasted? Yesterday Sam and I were on a bus and as the doors were closing a kid who has just learned to run decided to bolt for the bus. As his parents talked he dashed across the sidewalk, missing the fact that the curb drops away before you get to the bus the top half of him slammed onto the floor of the bus with his legs still sticking out, now pinched in the door. The bus didn't go anywhere and his dad was really quick to grab him, but I think that's what I'm afraid of. I feel like that's what I've been doing, bolting in the direction of something I think I want without really evaluating the consequences. Sure there is some metaphor in this about being picked back up, but that kid hasn't had mush time to learn any better. I have had 29 years to learn better. I feel like I ought to have learned a thing or two, but I don't feel like I have. I either bolt like the kid or sit and miss every bus that I could climb on because I'm thinking about it too much.

I just finished Boys in the Boat last night. It was a good read, even knowing the historical outcome I found myself wondering if somehow I'd been mistaken. The suspense of what was going to happen glued the kindle to my hands. I think some of the description of the way a crew works together explains some of my distaste for team sports. It's hard to find a team or for that matter a cause that is worth pouring your all into and trusting and knowing that everyone else in the boat or group is doing the same. I don't want to be overcommitting if everyone else is only half-assing it. And I suppose I feel guilty if I don't really believe in the goal. I would like to find a goal and team that could really buy into. I think that is some of the attraction of start-ups and owning one's own business. You can define your goal and surround yourself with others who agree. Well I sucked at that. I defined my goal, sort-of started a company and then became disillusioned and stopped. I'm not sure what is next, I'm not sure if what I speak of desiring here could be found in being an art teacher. I'll keep praying and perhaps try meditating on it, although I'm not entirely sure how to go about that...