March 30, 2016

I finished The Sacred Search, and I think it was good. It was convicting and humbling. I find myself very blessed that Sam married me. I think I must owe this more to divine intervention than anything else. Reading this volume of advice on how to go about evaluating a potential spouse the thing that stood out most to me was what I was lacking and have been lacking or did lack. The list seems long, longer than the pros side of anyone who might've objectively been evaluating me. I know this sounds harsh and self-deprecating, but if the ruler by which the author suggests one evaluate a potential spouse is anywhere near accurate then my critique is also true. I think this point is also proven by the fact that I have dragged my wife on a quest to find my meaning in life. I don't have a lot of direction, and I've grown weary of that. Both halves of that are understatements. The author kept harping on 

Matthew 6:33 "But seek first the kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I think I can admit that I want my direction to be seeking out the kingdom of God. I think I have run from this idea for a while because frankly I don't care much for most Christians, christian attitudes, christian judgments, language, rules, and the push-y-ness of evangelicals. This doesn't apply to all, but sadly so many. Maybe part of my purpose is to live-out a little more loudly what I believe to be christlike. I'm not sure of much more, but I think it might be a piece of the puzzle. Back to the book. It was weird reading a book that was all about searching for the right mate when I've already found an amazing one and can't imagine changing, but it was useful too. It sparked some interesting conversations about what type of marriage we had had in mind. Both with respect to how we would structure our relationship and what we thought about spiritual leadership in our relationship. Apparently we had both inadvertently done a lot of assuming within our marriage. I guess that shouldn't really surprise me, we have learned at almost every juncture or decision that both

Sam and myself do a lot of assuming. Ah, well now we have some more out in the open. I guess if nothing else making all the assumption we do, gives us things to talk about, challenges to overcome and "new" ways to grow again. May we never grow bored with one another, and to that end I hope Sam and I keep making wrong assumptions. It's like a disney night-light lightbulb goes on every time I realize it now. It's familiar, makes me laugh, and only barely illuminates what I'm trying to see. I still need to fumble around or turn on a brighter light to really get a clear picture of what's going on.

So yeah I enjoyed the book, because it illuminated a little more between Sam and myself; things which I never knew might need talked out for anyone ever. I think I'll recommend it to my sister. But, it is yet again maybe only a small piece of the puzzle. Or maybe being honest about wanting to do work that shows love and is glorifying to God is more like seeing box the puzzle came in, but only in a dim, disney character shaped glow.